Friday, May 26, 2006

rattled

i was so rattled when W_ called last night. so rattled and afraid because he was hinting that he knew about my current arrangement about sharing an apartment with a male friend. and the fact that i thought he was out of my life for good. yet there he was, larger as life and as seductive as ever.

the live-in arrangement is simply that, a live-in arrangement. there's no sex involved. not even any hint of emotional intimacy or that the relationship is going that way any time soon.

but i was still rattled because his call was unexpected. and with my roommate listening in to the conversation the whole thing became sort of surreal.

i wonder what's next down the line for us both. that call last night was the offshoot of a three-month frigid silence between us. rather, i instigated the quarrel that led to the strain because i was sort of fed up with him.

my personal life is spinning out of control it seems. i will allow it. i am curious to know how it will all end. i just hope i end up down the road happy and content about my decisions.


posted by neri @ 8:07 PM 0 comments

Monday, May 15, 2006

undecided

went on a date with rommel last night. it was okay. had fun. had a few laughs. enjoyed the movie we saw.

i just dont know where it would all lead. been here in the same situation before. maybe i shouldn't expect anything. not even that he and i could start something. i'm not even sure if i want that.

surprisingly, i wanted him to see us. confound his expectations that i'm not sitting around moping and hoping for the sight of him. which i am, just a little. i miss him, just a little. had a tete-a-tete with a friend of his though. enjoyed it . greeted him, or rather his mom, mother's day. we are going out supposedly this weekend to buy pirated dvds in quiapo. should i even follow this up? do i need this kind of confusion?

i really need to change apartments. hay, so much to do so little time.

posted by neri @ 8:21 PM 0 comments

Thursday, May 11, 2006

disappointed

that meeting leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. i saw him without frills, in the light of darkness pierced by blinding rays of recognition and awareness. i didn't like what i saw. he is weak, mediocre, and afraid. where is my partner in adventure? where is the youth who used to be so lively and unafraid?

that night, i saw a man content to be nothing, afraid to be anything. do i want to be associated with such a loser? his excuses are so lame they don't even deserve to be written down here. i told rhiel about it and he said the same thing. responsibility is eating him up. the fear drowning his enthusiasm and good sense.

i am not talking of love here anymore. i am talking of my sense of outrage at this sorry-excuse for a human being who remains my friend. his behavior was really appalling. afraid of success. content to fail. what the heck am i doing with such people? do i want to commit to their inevitable embrace of mediocrity and failure?

he is afraid while i'm not. i see it all as a fucking good roll of an adventure. to create such a huge project and confound everyone's expectations. i have the guts for it. have the balls for it. have the creativity and charm for it. i can take it on even with my hands tied but to associate with these types? do i proceed or not?


posted by neri @ 7:49 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 23, 2006

what's his name again?

it seems that only a few weeks ago i was mooning over this guy, regretting the fact that i've lost him completely. and yet, here i am now barely able to remember our shared past and history. what is wrong with me? is it the work? the excitement of a new and exciting project? new friends? new opportunities?

i've lost you, blithe spirit, and i don't even know if i'm glad or sad. all i know is, the part where my heart used to be is busy breathing again. thinking of you doesn't bring me that familiar ache anymore either. i don't want to forget but it seems i am at last beginning to. i love you, there is still that. faint but still there. i love you.

i am saying this now because i don't want to completely forget either. how painful all this is. you fall out of love and it's as painful as falling headlong into passion. let me not forget him. let me not forget how it used to be between us. leave me some remnant of feeling. not this complete indifference, this utter disregard for our shared past.

i am definitely a fool.

posted by neri @ 4:53 AM 0 comments

Monday, April 10, 2006

i hate love songs

went shopping today and wished i hadn't. anywhere i go i seemed to have been followed by these pesky love songs that talks about, what else, but love and passion.
"burn", "sa kanya pa rin babalik", "how do i live" - i mean, puwede ba, tigilan niyo muna ako?

i have not been able to tolerate love songs lately. i hate hearing them. i disliked being in a cab for example and my silence suddenly broken by a voice warbling about a lost love and wishing he was here or something. i hate it. hate it! i tell you.

it makes me remember. it makes me ache. it makes me think of him. i cannot tolerate love songs. i want to enjoy them but i can't. i seem to have lost that part of me, that part where a love song is a love song and not a memory. i'm truly lost.

posted by neri @ 3:16 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

here i go again

do i really need another blog? all i do in it anyway is pour my lungs out in frustration at the things i can't change. why bother starting another one then? this is so crazy.

had a run-in with a staff this morning. really stupid guy whom i'm beginning to dislike with every passing day. really an asshole.

posted by neri @ 1:32 AM 0 comments