Friday, May 26, 2006

rattled

i was so rattled when W_ called last night. so rattled and afraid because he was hinting that he knew about my current arrangement about sharing an apartment with a male friend. and the fact that i thought he was out of my life for good. yet there he was, larger as life and as seductive as ever.

the live-in arrangement is simply that, a live-in arrangement. there's no sex involved. not even any hint of emotional intimacy or that the relationship is going that way any time soon.

but i was still rattled because his call was unexpected. and with my roommate listening in to the conversation the whole thing became sort of surreal.

i wonder what's next down the line for us both. that call last night was the offshoot of a three-month frigid silence between us. rather, i instigated the quarrel that led to the strain because i was sort of fed up with him.

my personal life is spinning out of control it seems. i will allow it. i am curious to know how it will all end. i just hope i end up down the road happy and content about my decisions.


posted by neri @ 8:07 PM 0 comments

Monday, May 15, 2006

undecided

went on a date with rommel last night. it was okay. had fun. had a few laughs. enjoyed the movie we saw.

i just dont know where it would all lead. been here in the same situation before. maybe i shouldn't expect anything. not even that he and i could start something. i'm not even sure if i want that.

surprisingly, i wanted him to see us. confound his expectations that i'm not sitting around moping and hoping for the sight of him. which i am, just a little. i miss him, just a little. had a tete-a-tete with a friend of his though. enjoyed it . greeted him, or rather his mom, mother's day. we are going out supposedly this weekend to buy pirated dvds in quiapo. should i even follow this up? do i need this kind of confusion?

i really need to change apartments. hay, so much to do so little time.

posted by neri @ 8:21 PM 0 comments

Thursday, May 11, 2006

disappointed

that meeting leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. i saw him without frills, in the light of darkness pierced by blinding rays of recognition and awareness. i didn't like what i saw. he is weak, mediocre, and afraid. where is my partner in adventure? where is the youth who used to be so lively and unafraid?

that night, i saw a man content to be nothing, afraid to be anything. do i want to be associated with such a loser? his excuses are so lame they don't even deserve to be written down here. i told rhiel about it and he said the same thing. responsibility is eating him up. the fear drowning his enthusiasm and good sense.

i am not talking of love here anymore. i am talking of my sense of outrage at this sorry-excuse for a human being who remains my friend. his behavior was really appalling. afraid of success. content to fail. what the heck am i doing with such people? do i want to commit to their inevitable embrace of mediocrity and failure?

he is afraid while i'm not. i see it all as a fucking good roll of an adventure. to create such a huge project and confound everyone's expectations. i have the guts for it. have the balls for it. have the creativity and charm for it. i can take it on even with my hands tied but to associate with these types? do i proceed or not?


posted by neri @ 7:49 PM 0 comments